Zombie Apocalypse as Founding Fathers Rise from the Grave and Storm the Capitol

WASHINGTON, D.C.— In the twilight hours of January 5, 2025, Abraham Lincoln emerged from his grave with a purpose to end the reign of Trumpism once and for all. He enlisted a legion of zombies, loyal to the Union cause to target Trump and his closest allies at Mar-a-Lago, the night before he was to be certified the 47th president of the United States. Their first targets were those of JD Vance and Donald Trump who were enjoying a nice evening at Mar-a-Lago.

Trump and JD Vance were relaxing within the lavish mansion’s walls when they first heard faint groans. The sounds grew louder, echoing through the corridors as the zombies approached. At first Donald Trump thought it must be his neighbors eating their cat for dessert, while JD Vance thought it was a childless cat lady dropping off a mad cat at their front door. But soon the unmistakable sound of shuffling footsteps filled into the rooms and Trump’s security team quickly sprang into action. They were vastly unprepared for Lincoln’s zombie army who devoured Trump’s security team in the matter of seconds. 

One by one, the guards were subdued, overtaken by the sheer numbers of zombies pressed forward. The horde surged, surrounding the mansion’s main hall where Trump and Vance found themselves cornered by hundreds of zombies. Each zombie moved deliberately, their decomposed faces bearing traces of patriotism they’d once held as human soldiers back in the Civil War. They didn’t need weapons; their presence alone brought an otherworldly terror to both Trump and Vance.

Then in one synchronized move the zombie army closed in. Trump and Vance were trapped with no way out and began to feel the weight of history bearing down upon them. The terror, surreal and overpowering, seemed to drain the life force of both Trump and Vance. Within minutes, Trump and Vance collapsed to the ground, overcome by a force beyond explanation.

Following the events of Mar-A-Lago, Lincoln’s zombie army dispersed across the nation, not with a thirst for flesh but with a mission to cure minds clouded by Trumpism. Their goal was not destruction but healing-a return to rationality and civic responsibility. They roamed the streets, encountering Trump supporters in small towns, city squares, and neighborhoods. Their disgusting presence released an aura that seemed to dissolve the fog of fanaticism gripping those they encountered. The zombies laid their rotting hands on Trump supporters and shared a fragment of history, a memory of a time when America was built on the principles of reason and unity.

One by one, Trump supporters felt the effects. Their anger softened; confusion and disillusionment melted away. In place of polarized zeal, a more balanced perspective emerged, one that harkened back to the tempered conservatism of the Eisenhower era. It was conservatism that valued country over party, pragmatism over extremism, and unity over division. With each encounter, the growth of Trumpism weakened, like a virus. The sharp lines of polarization quickly faded, replaced by an ethos that prioritized the nation’s well being over allegiance to a billionaire who didn’t care about anyone but himself.

This transformation rippled across the nation, reaching people from all backgrounds. In small towns, in city centers, in bustling suburbs, the influence of Trumpism waned. Its slogans, once chanted, became relics of the past, echoing faintly as America collectively moved forward. The era of Trumpism passed into the history books, leaving behind a more grounded, unified, and hopeful nation. And in this strange and improbable chapter, Lincoln’s zombie army had played an indispensable role, guiding the country back to its original ideals.

On the other side of the United States, a new storm was brewing at the capitol. The Founding Fathers, reanimated by the crisis at hand rose from their graves one by one with a single mission to protect the Republic from falling under the sway of Trump’s authoritarianism rule. Benjamin Franklin led the charge, as the Founding Fathers marched up the Capitol steps fending off capitol guards. Inside, Congress had gathered to certify the 2024 election results, unaware of the supernatural upheaval about to sweep through their chambers.

Franklin stormed into the Senate chamber, where Kamala Harris was presiding over proceeding to certify the election result. His booming voice echoed throughout the chamber as he called for her attention. “Madam Vice President!” he thundered. “I demand you stop the certification now. The candidates you seek to confirm had their life forces sucked out of themselves last night by zombies organized by Abraham Lincoln at Mar-a-Lago” The chamber fell silent as senators and representatives turned around in shock and disbelief. Franklin held nothing back, describing the grave threat that Trumpism had posed to the integrity of the nation. He painted a vivid picture of the zombie’s intervention, explaining that their task was to restore a reasoned Eisenhower-era conservatism, one that respected the principles of which the republic was founded upon.

But Franklin knew his words wouldn’t convince die-hard MAGA fans- especially not figures such as MTG who began throwing tomatoes at Benjamin Franklin’s face. In response, Franklin sent in the zombies who approached MTG and other die-hard MAGA supporters with a touch to heal, not harm. These undead emissaries embodied a calm, yet powerful influence, awakening memories of a time when conservatism valued restraint, dignity, and bipartisan cooperation. Slowly, those touched by the zombies’ aura felt their rigid beliefs soften, replaced by a more balanced, rational perspective. Even MTG found herself surprisingly affected, struggling as the influence of Eisenhower-era conservatism seeped into her thoughts, challenging her hardline views.

With the chamber now quiet, Franklin addressed Congress once more. “We must not let democracy be manipulated,” he said. “The future of this nation depends on its people—not on the ambitions of a few. I call for a new election, one where the people can choose their leader free from influence or interference. Let it be held on the first Tuesday of May, and let every American’s voice be heard.” The congressmen and women, still grappling with the shock of Franklin’s arrival and the transformation sweeping through their ranks, recognized the urgency and agreed to the call for a new election. As Franklin left the chamber, he knew that a new chapter was beginning. With his candidacy for the Democratic Party and Kari Lake’s for the Republicans, the stage was set for a true choice—a choice grounded in the democratic ideals that Franklin and his fellow Founding Fathers had come back to defend.

The election of 2025 became one of the most lopsided victories in American history, as Benjamin Franklin swept the nation, revitalizing both the Democratic Party and the spirit of traditional conservatism. The combined forces of Franklin’s powerful leadership, his charismatic running mate Josh Shapiro, and the transformative influence of Lincoln’s zombie army had rallied the American public behind a new transition for the nation- one rooted in unity, responsibility, and a return to rational disclosure.

Kari Lake, on the other hand, struggled to mount a competitive campaign. Her choice of Mike Lindell, the MyPillow CEO, as her vice-presidential candidate only reinforced the view that her ticket lacked the gravitas needed to govern effectively. Franklin’s campaign made a powerful case that electing “goofballs” like Lake and Lindell would be a disastrous step backward for the country. As the zombie army roamed the nation, their touch spread a nostalgia for Eisenhower-era conservatism, helping Americans see the value of a grounded, responsible political approach and underscoring the need to reject the extremism that Lake’s campaign represented.

On election night, the results painted a vivid picture of this shift. Franklin secured an overwhelming majority, carrying not only traditional Democratic states but also flipping many historically Republican strongholds. His coalition was remarkably broad, drawing in voters across the ideological spectrum who were eager to restore balance and integrity to American politics. In a historical reversal, Franklin managed to win traditionally conservative states like Mississippi, South Carolina, Ohio, Indiana, Iowa, Montana, Texas, Florida, and Missouri. Lake's support dwindled to only a handful of states. She barely held on to most of the states she won with the exception of Oklahoma and West Virginia which were huge republican strongholds but even those Lake won by only 12%. Lake barely held on to Idaho by a razor-thin 0.5% margin, and her wins limited to Wyoming, the Dakotas, Louisiana, Alabama, and Arkansas, which she won with less than 5%. 

Meanwhile Franklin’s margin in the states he won were behind belief, highlighting the public appetite for change. He narrowly captured Mississippi with 0.0013% lead and Utah by 0.06%, while winning traditional conservative Nebraska by a more comfortable margin of 1.8%. In Indiana his margin had stretched to 10.8%, and in South Carolina he surprised the nation with a landslide victory of 20.5% in that state. Franklin also won Texas by 45.90% and North Carolina by an astounding 66.46% solidified his reach over the traditional conservative South, and traditionally contested swing states overwhelmingly supported, seeing margins unheard in any election. The depth of Franklin's victory extended to deep blue states, where he won by landslide proportions. In California, he secured a jaw dropping 99.999999% of the vote, with only brainworm RFK JR. casting a vote for Lake. Some states showed unanimous support for Franklin delivering him 100% of the vote including Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Maine, New York, Connecticut, Iowa, Arizona, Florida, and Pennsylvania.

After losing the election by such a drastic landslide, Kari Lake and Mike Lindell were devastated. With no loyal base left to turn to, their only remaining solace could be found in the erratic world of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Shaken perhaps a bit too much by Lincoln’s zombie legion, RFK Jr. had become a wild card in this new age. Rumor had it that he had been infected with an ancient, dormant brainworm, one that led him down increasingly erratic paths. Kennedy’s behavior became more extreme as his brain worm infection deepened. RFK Jr began making trips to museums stealing whale heads fixated on their massive size and strange allure. The zombies tried to reason with him, their efforts only seemed to aggravate his descent into madness. Soon, he began raiding neighborhood pet enclosures, consuming cats and dogs in alarming quantities, as though they were a part of his daily meals, Scorpions grilled over open flames became his Saturday evening delicacy, while every holiday became an occasion to indulge in bear and whale meat.

It was precisely this lifestyle that Lake and Lindell were looking for. Battered and beaten by the elements, they arrived at Kennedy’s doorstep. Baby Bobby had just returned from his latest pig-stabbing expedition, carrying a severed pig head on a tree branch, and upon seeing the tattered couple shivering in the icy wind, he welcomed them warmly into his house for a feast. He proceeded to serve up exquisite sandwiches of raw pork and whale juice, and even allowed his new roommates to feed his pet emu. Unfortunately, in the time between Kennedy scratching his rear end and preparing his guests’ dinner, he had neglected to wash his hands. The result was that all four—RFK Jr, Kari Lake, Mike Lindell, and the poor emu—ended up with a severe case of brain worms. They all devolved into complete insanity together, living as a happy family forevermore within the government cheese caves.

That is, until the lack of fresh air caused them all to simultaneously succumb to the fumes of rotting cheese.