THE MICROWAVE

After a string of devastating losses, a series of confused coaches who thought “football” meant soccer, and millions of poorly spent dollars which could have been used to grade my goddamn Math 32B homework, the UCLA Athletics Department has announced that the traditional crosstown rivalry against USC would be scrapped in favor of competing against the John Adams Middle School flag-football team.

The mega-corporation, desperate for new methods to turn a profit, appears to have gone... how else do I say it?... hoppin' mad.

Female Neanderthal sighted near UCLA, adorned with the deceased muppet's skin flaps. Source: local crackhead TONGVA, CA. — Legendary childhood icon Cookie Monster was found deceased this past Halloween, apparently at the hands of an ancient neanderthal. Cookie Monster had previously been reported missing on Saturday, October 26, 2024. Extensive search parties were deployed, the likes of which had not been seen since the attempt to locate the missing Donner Party in 1847. For

Fancy panties have become a status symbol in Generation Z's online universe. A fashion-forward customer is spotted at the local Walmart....