BREAKING: Cookie Monster Brutally Slain by Rampaging Neanderthal Lady

Female Neanderthal sighted near UCLA, adorned with the deceased muppet's skin flaps. Source: local crackhead

TONGVA, CA. — Legendary childhood icon Cookie Monster was found deceased this past Halloween, apparently at the hands of an ancient neanderthal.

Cookie Monster had previously been reported missing on Saturday, October 26, 2024. Extensive search parties were deployed, the likes of which had not been seen since the attempt to locate the missing Donner Party in 1847. For six days straight, they searched tirelessly for the diabetic blue muppet, but to no avail.

Finally, on the following Friday, his remains were found… draped sparingly around a cave woman. So, naturally, the Microwave (as well-funded as we are) decided to launch a full-scale investigation into the cause of Cookie Monster’s death.

Our results looked something like this.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there existed a mad scientist named Dr. Emmet Brown who found himself in possession of a purple porta-potty named TARDIS. The scientist, by means of an inexplicable magic we shall not go into great detail about here, had harnessed the power of the TARDIS to travel through space and even time itself.

On one fateful day, Doc Brown pressed the wrong button while attempting to flush the toilet after an unlucky encounter with Taco Bell. Instead of flushing the sewage into the void, he accidentally flushed the entire complex onto a planet called Earth, around the year known to its inhabitants as 42,069 BC. The plastic porta-potty did not survive the impact. But Doc Brown always came prepared, and was able to promptly repair his vessel. Unfortunately, he was eaten alive by a saber-toothed tiger immediately afterward. 

But shortly after the tiger ate its lunch, a herd of Neanderthals approached and stabbed the beast to death. They encountered the newly repaired porta-potty time machine in the approximate vicinity, but were not familiar with its purpose or its function. So they stepped inside, smashed some buttons with their primitive stone tools, and were flushed away.

They weren’t flushed entirely away. Rather, their exact location in space had not changed, but the date was now the 26th of October, in the year 2025.

The Neanderthals stepped out of their TARDIS and found themselves in what turned out to be the filming location of Sesame Street. The writers had of course been struggling for a while, and it was already taking a toll on the characters. Elmo, now a rebellious teenager, was running around destroying absolutely everything with his airsoft gun. Oscar the Grouch had not left his garbage can even once in the past month, and the producers were uncertain if he was still alive. And Cookie Monster, now morbidly obese, had taken to excessive drinking. When the Neanderthals found the poor guy, he was passed out on a bench with a bottle of vodka in his flaccid fingers.

The cave people took that opportunity to attack, for they could not appreciate the greatness that was Cookie Monster. They saw the drooping cyan shag carpet and instinctively decided to murder it on the spot.

The ensuing battle to claim a piece of their fresh kill was bloody and brutal. But in the end, only one cavewoman emerged victorious, wearing shreds of the slain muppet’s skin as a trophy while her comrades lay wounded and unconscious in the street.

Unfortunately, the suspect is still on the loose. If you happen to spot a female Neanderthal clothed in Cookie Monster’s remains, just contact us at themicrowavemag@gmail.com. We are offering a generous reward far exceeding our annual budget.