Forget USC Rivalry! UCLA Football's New Biggest Opponent Local Middle School

UCLA Bruins getting the ass-whooping of the century... for the 98th time this year. Credit: AssCam Network

LOS ANGELES, CA. — After a string of devastating losses, a series of confused coaches who thought “football” meant soccer, and millions of poorly spent dollars which could have been used to grade my goddamn Math 32B homework, the UCLA Athletics Department has announced that the traditional crosstown rivalry against USC would be scrapped in favor of competing against the John Adams Middle School flag-football team.

UCLA quarterback Donnie Kickinutz weighed in on the matter. “Oh yeah! Gonna go kick some middle-schooler ASS!” yelled Kickinutz, flecks of saliva flying from his putrid mouth as he pumped his concerningly sweaty fists in the air. “Them Trojans—I mean, Patriots—are goin’ DOWN harder ‘n I went down on your mom last night! FIGHT ON!!” He flashed a peace sign at our reporter before storming off to beat up a seventh-grader in a tour group.

“Crushing middle schoolers’ souls is one of the best parts about being a Bruin,” said former middle-school bully and Phi Psi pledge Beet M. Upp, staring down a rampaging herd …erm, tour group of enthusiastic sixth-graders. “Who runs LA now, huh, little dweebs?!”

We asked the football players at John Adams about their opinions of this new arrangement, but all we could pry out of them was a scattered chorus of “six seveeeennnn”.

At press time, John Adams Middle School had won the big rivalry game with a final score of 28-3, and UCLA Athletics was considering scrapping football in favor of competitive E-scooter racing.